I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
