Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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