I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
