threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
