I'm pants shitting drunk right now
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
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