I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
