We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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