dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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