so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
