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life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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