I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
