dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
