Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
We are two peas in an std pod
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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