I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Just pee around me
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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