A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
