You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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