Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
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