we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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