I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
