He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I checked into jail on foursquare
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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