You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
