remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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