dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'm always down for nudity.
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