I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Randomize
