Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Randomize
