it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
