so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
If that was your dad, he is hot
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
is it fun? or sober?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
