you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
