remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize