i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
A+ Viking dick
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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