Whats the glycemic index on semen?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I have fence marks all over my body
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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