4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
