I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
