dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
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