I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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