The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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