There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just threw up on my dentist
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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