guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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