It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
