Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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