I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
