after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
