operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
