Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
