evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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