Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I need to stop coming to work sober
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
