Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
a search helicopter?!
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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