He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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