my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
