Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
