he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
