I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
