they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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