Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
