My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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