so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I did not marry a roomba.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
