Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Help. Why am I so naked?
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