we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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