I smell stomach acid.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
