It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
